My life - I -

Hello, everyone!

It has been a whole week since I came back to England!
Many things happened - many did not.
From time to time it feels like it has been a century - but then there are times it feels like yesterday.
It is weird and hard to explain, but I am sure there are some people that can relate - somewhere, out there!

Tonights´ night is Sherlock´s night!
Just to begin with something more pleasant. (well, lets see what happens - maybe it won´t be pleasant - it won´t be pleasant for sure ... this is how they do it. Mister Moffat and Gatiss ... Still, we do love them - or at least I do :D)

So, before I write anything from boring stuff, just enjoy this short trailer for tonights´ Sherlock:

I do hope you have enjoyed it because now we have to get back to the boring stuff :D

(I am trying to do something John Watson´s psychologist adviced to do :D )

Well, because not many people do actually read my blog I am going to make it into something more for me.

Will write about my "problems", what I am just doing, what I want to achieve and what I am doing to achieve it.

It is not unique but I like this idea.

If it helps me it is worth it. If it helps someone else as well - then I am pleased to know.

Lately, I was in love. (probably love - who can tell?)

The person was Sheldon like and when somebody is that clever I do not care about anything else.

I can not see all the bad things, I can not see problems.

Then, when I get what i want i lose interest ... Really quickly.

It is because I am a really critical person - mostly when it comes to myself.

I am a big idealistic dreamer with even bigger expectations of myself - and sometimes even others.

Nothing is perfect therefore everything is wrong. (haha, lets be positive :D )

It is quite hard to live with a person like that on daily basis.

Although, you are never ever bored! (well, sometimes you are anyway :D)

OK, back to the man - It is hard for me to lose.

I feel like I am a big failure afterwards. 

I know, in this case i won - got the man I wanted for a really long time and found out I do not like him anymore.

But this just made me realize something must be wrong.

It is not a nice feeling, but it is here ... Because this was not the first time I liked somebody, then actually got them and lost all the interest. (or wanted to lose it all because it would be easier to be without them or it is more racional to give up on them ...)

So now I am not going for any other man - i will wait until someone finds me! :D

(will take forever but ... still better than hurting people by being cold towards them)

Another thing I was thinking about for a long time.

Should I or should I not make an account on lookbook?

It is a two sided blade.

I do like clothes, I do like everything about them and I think it is a creative way to express your personality.

(well, there are still better ways to do that - writing poems might be more effective :D ) 

I do have a lot of clothes! Clothes that look fabulous. Some are even a red-carpet dresses :D

But on the other hand - clothes are too superficial.

It is so shallow and money-driven ... And that is just not me.

But it is the other me ... the other one who like clothes ...

I am such a big hypocrite ... at least I know about it! xD

So, what do you think? Should I try or let it be?

Nowadays, I have too many clothes.

Some of the dresses I do have just because I love something about them.

The shape, the colour, the thing.

I am not really materialistic - or i am and I do not want to believe it! :D

So now I am not byuing any new clothes. NOTHING!

(I might not even go out for a drink when I think about it :) )

And this all because ...

                               ... I AM GOING TO BUY A BJD!

Finally!

I know, some of you may think - Bjd is a doll which makes you more and more materialistic.

But it does not. This is a kind of heart thing. I can not help it.

I wanted to impersonate a fictive character.

I am going to have an angel!!! <3

For me, it is not a doll - it is a piece of me.

Something perfect.

Something i would like to reach within my own life.

He will impersonate most of the qualities I love and mostly lack.

And of course, he is going to be an angel.

Something beautiful, powerfull and loving. (lack all of these :D )

I can be really creative when it comes to him ...

Writing stories, sewing things, painting face-ups, ...

I am worried at the same time.

It is quite expensive (although the one that I found is a bargain!)

I won´t be able to do anything with money for two months!

No clothes, no, booze, no cinema, no coffee, no trips to the city center.

But I was dreaming about him for 5 years already.

Maybe not exaclty about this specific one. But about one for sure!

I do have loads of things for him already.

Kimono, ideas for another clothes, eyes, bowl he can eat out from, hairbrush, clock ...

I know, I am crazy - nobody has to tell me that!

But I can not help myself ... I am going for this even if I have to starve! :D

Another matter is Japanese ... 

Learning was always easy for me - but I am not good at learning :D (paradox - or maybe not!)

I can usually (most of the time) understand complex things, I can understand abstract thoughts, I can do math and learn more about the laws of space and what we actually see. But when I have to teach myself ...

That is completely different matter! 

I am too lazy to do things like that! 

But I am doing it, now and every other day.

Japanese is a beautiful language and I can not just toss it away.

I have to learn it and properly if possible!

So, in near future, I might try to teach you a lesson as well :D

Now moving towards music :D

I might not suck at playing instruments.

Always loved playing my guitar (which is over the channel) and bass is just the most beautiful instrument right after violin.

But i lack something very important - dedication.

So for now I am giving up on this. I made some decision, finally.

Not wasting my energy on this because I can not believe myself to finish it.

Maybe, one day, when I am happy with what I have done so far and have an opportunity, I may get back to it and play. Or maybe not.

But I am going to sing my heart out - and my thoughts <3

This is somehow closer to my soul - singing.

It feels like you can actually change people. Calm them down. Give them a purpouse.

So, i am going for this.

Now, my goals are set - lets make them happen!

Gonna post some photos - sorry about that - just want to share something of my personal life :D

me while writing this post! :D

The most serious people are the most silly ones from time to time :D

(wearing no make-up makes me look sooo young - and weird :D )

my working space :D

the drawer with BJD stuff <3

trying to learn Japanese - yep, my brain is in a blur as well :D

Just a little bit addicted - and I gave most of my books to the charity shop!

Thank you for reading so far - if anyone did :D

Have a lovely day and "see" you soon!

Murasaki <3