Alone does not mean lonely

First, lets have some definitions about the words themselves.

Alone - having no one else present, on one´s own
Lonely - sad because one has no friends or company, without companions, solitary
(from http://oxforddictionaries.com/)

All of us felt both of this emotions - but why sometimes Alone stands for Lonely?
Is it inevitable? Is it us who let this feelings to come on our surface?
Or is it a pressure from society that people need to be in groups?
Can you be alone and happy at the same time? Forever?

After some point in my life I did everything on my own because there was no other way.
I walked in the middle of the night and watched starry sky.
I would find out what happens in the city and would go on my own.
It was necessary - at the time my friends were too lazy to get out of the house.
So, if I wanted to go somewhere it was on my own.
(Sometimes, my best friend would go with me - we do not have the same interests - so I am really thankful)

When I was a teenager I´ve learnt lots of things about being independent.
I had all music phases you can imagine - from Rap thru jungle to metal.
I used to be punk and it was the best time of my life. Loads of fun and you can get stronger.
If you do not get stuck with some kind of drugs you will leave stronger.
You will get used to some nasty comments from people around you that think that they are cool and bosses of everyone else´s lifes. They used to shout at us "Punk is carrot! (well in my language carrot sounds like dead a little bit so ... sorry, poor English :) )
You had your group but from time to time you would be alone on the street and it can get really edgy.
But if you do not dig to deep with THC punk will leave you with good survival instincts :D
(and best memories ever! )

Then I was gothic.
Because I am from a small village we had a social-group of Punx and gothic people.
It was nice and calm time. Not so crazy like being punk but still - it was you.
I went for my college. We were just two girls in my class. I was the only goth person.
It could get hard at times but again it made me stronger.

Then everything went even "more crazy".
My ex-boyfriend lent me some anime with words that I have to watch it.
Mine first response was "It is animated?!!! It must be for kids! I am not gonna watch this!"
But then illness came and I had nothing better to do then watch it.
(it was Samurai champloo I think)
So I fell in love with Japan and everything Japanese.
How many people can you find in your village that like anime?
None ... And then I found out about J-rock and dekora and visual kei and fanservice ...
Some people would give up just because they are afraid of losing friends and being alone and lonely.
But with my past I knew how to fight this feelings of loneliness.
Still had my best-friend that went thru all of it (except of Japanese part) with me.
And I was brave enough and went for it even against all the odds.
Made new friends and had a happy life on the other side of rainbow, almost in Alice´s Wonderland.

Then things went messy again. I lost most of my friends that I still miss.
I moved to a different country, hoping that something will change in me.
Luckily for me, Liverpool is a totally friendly city and it is not so hard to make new friends.
But at the beginning I was going everywhere on my own.
To town, to pubs, for a walk, shopping, ...
It is hard to make me talk to people because I am probably the most shy person you can ever meet.
But it was ok. I always enjoyed some alone time.
I love walking and wandering around even getting lost from time to time.
I love going to a local pub and just listen to the live band that is just playing.
I love shopping on my own as well - sometimes I can be annoying with my demands.
I love going sightseeing on my own with my own pace.
I love watching movies on my own - at least no comments from others.
I love reading book while sitting on the branch of a nice tree.
I love thinking about things.
I love doing loads of stuff on my own and I was always cool with it and it did not bother me.
Never really cared about other peoples attitude toward me.
But ...

I believe there must be a breaking point for everyone.
When being alone grows to being lonely.
Yesterday I was in the pub on my own.
Normal, ok, I love it anyway, so why not.
Bought a drink, stood in a corner and watched the band on stage.
And then it hit me. I was lonely and sad. It never happened before.
Then I heard comments from pair next to me, they were really rude.
They made fun of me being there on my own, they have pointed at me. Laughed at me.
At this point I felt totally horrible.
Normally, I would just make a face at them and would not care any more.
But yesterday, it was different. I probably felt too old for this shit :D
When I was leaving I saw one guy I like kissing some girl.
I would not mind if it was another day :D
But at that point it really did hurt - funny, when you miss things you never had ...

So, I promised myself that I am not going out on my own anymore.
Sometimes, it can be the society that makes you feel the need of the others.
Or in the worse case, it is you wanted some company. Which is my case, one big sad case.

I know how it feels to be alone in a crowd.
Sometimes you can not help it. But you are never trully lonely.
These are just bad days, believe me - it can get better.

Then we have a part of ourselves that enjoy to be alone with our own thoughts.
From time to time, everybody wants to be a loner.
But being alone does not mean the same thing like being lonely.

And some people are alone and lonely.
By chance, by destiny ...
I do not want to be lonely anymore.
It sucks, really, it does.

So, I am determinate to change it.
Still not sure how exactly! :D

(I am sorry, it probably does not make sense ... But I do not care so much right now :) )

PS: this was playing just a minute ago and I was hit by it!